The Reunion Show
by Acire Fox
Summary: Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the characters revealed their worst secrets to one another? A bit of sexual content. And yes can you believe that after all of this time I actually finished the third part!! I need a cookie!
1. Part 1: The Ties That Bind.....and send...

Announcer: This is the Reunion Show!! Where if you have secrets to tell we will tell them to the person who needs to know and countless others who are nosey or either too lazy to turn their damn television off. So put your nosey-assed hands together, for your host chick with the ghetto booty, Acire Fox!!  
  
(Audience claps as Acire enters from off stage neutral expression displayed. Stage is set with a few chairs. The motif is black and white. Acire is dressed in the Sephiroth costume with all of the props included.)   
  
Acire: Greetings and welcome humans to the first addition of The Reunion Show. I am your host, Acire Fox, the author/director's evil half, and part-time Sephiroth clone. This show devotes its time to those poor lost souls who have secrets and no one to tell them to. We reveal your most guarded of secrets to anyone dead or alive all for the entertainment of the reader and the thousands we make off of advertising space. So lets get on with the show.  
  
Author/Director: *from Announcer's booth* Um……Acire. Aren't you supposed to say the disclaimer?   
  
Acire: What disclaimer?   
  
Author/Director: The one for the characters appearing here today?  
  
Acire: *sighs* I'm getting to it. *clears throat and squints towards cue card* Final Fantasy belongs to Squaresoft and not the author/director. I, Acire, and the announcer have signed lifetime contracts in blood with the author/director and we belong to her 'till eternity or longer. She has not decided yet.  
  
Author/Director: That's not what the cue card said!  
  
Acire: But was that not what happened?  
  
A/D: ……  
  
Acire: Now that you've gotten your two cents in, shut up and direct the damn show.  
  
A/D: …… Meany.  
  
Acire: Alright let's bring out our first guests, Barret Wallace and his daughter, Marlene. Clap for them or not. I don't care.  
  
(Barret & Marlene come out and sit. Acire joins them.)  
  
Barret: Whazzup?!   
  
Acire: Nothing much and you?  
  
Barret: I'z got a secret to tell sumbody. And I pity the foo', I'z gotta tell it to.  
  
Acire: I will play along and ask: who?  
  
Barret: Dyne.  
  
Marlene: *pulls on his pant leg* But Daddy, Mr. Dyne is dead, isn't he?  
  
Acire: That hasn't stopped authors before. All I have to say is AerisxSephiroth.  
  
All: *shudder*  
Acire: The author/director can bring people back from the dead with her evil author powers. So let's bring out Dyne, the dead guy, Marlene's REAL---  
  
Barret: *puts hand over Acire's mouth* Shuddap, would ya?! I ain't told her yet!  
  
Author: Umm…..I would move your hand if I were you. I think that Acire's got rabies.  
  
Barett: *looks at Acire*   
  
Acire: *foaming at the mouth* Grrr…..  
  
Barret: *pulls hand back* Hehehe…. Sorry about that.  
  
(Dyne walks out and sits next to Marlene.)  
  
Acire: *wiping foam* Dyne, how's it hanging?  
  
Dyne: It's dead--I mean, I'm dead.  
  
Acire: Barret's got a secret and I've got to go home soon. The X-Files are coming on. Hurry up.  
  
A/D: I don't own that either. Although Mulder would be nice….  
  
Barret: Um….I-uh….sort of hawked that um….necklace ya told me ta give Marlene.  
  
Dyne: *stands* WHAT!!!! YOU PAWNED ELENORE'S MEMENTO!!??  
  
Barret: Yep…. Ya see we were a little scrapped for cash a while back and I had to.  
  
Marlene: *tugging at Barret's pant's leg* Daddy was that when you bought the DVD player? Can I go home and watch Harry Potter now? He's cute!  
  
Acire: By the way, the author does not own Harry Potter. And he IS cute and magically delicious. *licks lips*  
  
Marlene: Can we go home now Daddy? That silver-haired lady is scaring me.  
  
Barret: Dyne, I'm really sorry!! I'll make it up to ya! I'll get it back!! You'll see!!  
  
Dyne: JUST SO YOU CAN PAWN IT AGAIN?!!! HELL, NO!!  
  
Marlene: DAAAADDY!!! *pulling harder* Let's go! Harry's a sex machine and I can't wait to turn him on!!  
  
Barret: *ignores* Dyne, please forgive me!!  
  
Dyne: NEVER!! *slaps Barret*  
  
Barret: Don't hurt Marlene! *jumps over top of her*  
  
Marlene: *muffled* Daddy, your fat ass is hurting me!  
  
Acire: Wasn't it Dyne's job to take Marlene to see Elenore?  
  
Dyne: Stop! You're killing her! *pulls Barret off Marlene*  
  
Marlene: *stares off into space* Oooooo, Mommy is that you? Why do you look like Mr. T?  
  
Barret: *picks her up* Gotta take her to a hospital! She's hallucinatin'! *runs off*  
  
Dyne: *sobs* What about me?! Can't I come too?!   
  
Acire: No.   
  
Dyne: Why not? She's my kid.  
  
Acire: You gave her to Barret, no matter how stupid that was. And besides you are dead.  
  
Dyne: But I thought that you said---  
  
Acire: *draws Masamune and cuts his head off* Acire: one annoying dead guys: zero  
  
A/D: Stop killing the guests! Especially after I had to bring them back to life.   
  
Acire: You are a buzz-kill. *kicks his body off stage* Well at least we have room now for our next group of guests. This next segment is entitled: "The good, the bad, and the *bleep*ed up."   
  
A/D: Stop cursing! Do you want the censor guy to shut us down?  
  
Acire: Yes, but I think that I can wait for Cid to do that for us. ^_^   
  
A/D: *sigh* I should have gotten the thief to host this show.  
  
Acire: Now welcome or don't, Vincent Valentine and his ghostly squeeze, Lucrecia…….something or other!  
  
(Vincent & Lucrecia come in and sit down, holding hands.)  
  
Vincent: Acire, that was a little rude don't you think?  
  
Acire: No. He's backstage and I was just trying to paint an accurate portrait for our viewers/readers. *turns to audience* Right!?  
  
Audience: *screams* Acire! Acire! Acire!  
  
A/D: I don't own Jerry Springer, either……*mutters* that freakin' cash cow….$_$  
  
Acire: *whispers* They are all my puppets and I could tell them to kick your ass. So watch it, old man.  
  
Vincent: *Glares*  
  
Acire: And don't you two lovebirds have something that you would like to share with each other?  
  
Vincent: Yes, Dear. There is something that I would like to say to you. I have a secret that has been burning inside of me for a long time.  
  
Lucrecia: I knew it!! I knew it!!! Yes, Vinnie! I'll marry you! *glomps him*  
  
Vincent: *peels Lucrecia off of him* That wasn't it, Dear. Do you remember when I came to your cave and told you that Sephiroth was dead?  
  
Lucrecia: Yes. My poor tragic son! *swoons*  
  
Vincent: Well, Lucrecia……..he's not…….exactly dead.  
  
Lucrecia: What? You lied to me! How could you? I trusted you.  
  
Acire: Haven't you ever heard of "trust no one?" So, let's bring him out here, your son and my master……The Great General Sephiroth! Clap you fools! Clap for your master!  
  
(Audience claps. Sephiroth appears in the seat beside Lucrecia.)  
  
Lucrecia: *glomps him* MY SON!!!  
  
Sephiroth: *gasping for air* Lord………of……..Dark……ness……can't …..b..r..e…a….th…e….!  
  
Acire: Stop killing him. It's not good for business.  
  
Lucrecia: *loosens grip* My dear son! How I have longed to hold you!!  
  
Acire: Yada-yada-yada….. Huggy-huggy. Kissy-kissy. Let's move on.  
  
Vincent: This is a touchy moment. Don't you have a heart?  
  
Acire: No. I never touch the things myself, unless they are freshly ripped from and enemy's chest. ^_^  
  
Sephiroth: That's my clone! You make me proud.  
  
Lucrecia: As do you, my son.   
  
Seph: *to Vincent* Who is this woman? And why is she hugging me?  
  
Lucrecia: Don't you recognize me, Sephiroth? I am your mother.  
  
Seph: Ha ha ha haa! You are not my mother, unless you are a 2000-year old alien with a craving for destroying worlds.  
  
Vincent: This is your human mother, Sephiroth.  
  
Seph: Ha! And you are my father!! Muha ha ha ha haaa!  
  
Lucrecia: Vincent!! You did this! If I had have gone to him earlier, he might would have remembered me! *sobs*  
  
Vincent: *comforts her* I am sorry my love. I did not mean to hurt you. Please for give this, another sin against you.  
  
Seph: What is this?! A soap opera?! *laughs harder*  
  
Acire: …….um…Master. It only gets worse.  
  
Seph: What?! Tell me my slave! What other news do you have for me?!  
  
Acire: I think that Vincent better do it. Vincent?  
  
Vincent: Are you sure that we should do this? I mean he may kill some innocent bystanders or burn down the studio.  
  
Acire: Don't worry. We are prepared for such a thing. The author has bought the Barney Soundtrack. That'll kill any evil impulse and weaken any villain. I know. She tried it on me and I couldn't kick a puppy for a week.  
  
Vincent: If you think so. Sephiroth--  
  
Hojo: *bursts in* I AM YOUR FATHER!! MUHA HA HA HA HAA!  
  
Seph: *clutches head and falls to knees* Nooooooooo!!! It can't be!  
  
Hojo: I am afraid it is, my beautiful child. You are my offspring, the child of my loins.   
  
Acire: *shudders* Your loins are uncharted territory for many reasons.  
  
Lucrecia: Not…….really……  
  
Vincent: What?!  
  
Hojo: Ha! You thought that I was still a virgin?  
  
Acire: We were hoping.  
  
Lucrecia: I thought that I was coming here today to tell you that I…..well….actually slept with Hojo.  
  
Vincent: You told me that it was invetro fertilization! You lied to me.  
  
Acire: Gasp……suuure.  
  
Seph: *gets back up in chair* *to Lucrecia* What kind of whore are you?   
  
Lucrecia: My son hates me!! *sob to Vincent*  
  
Vincent: *pushes her away* You *bleep*ed Hojo. Don't touch me.  
  
A/D: Stop the cussing!! The censor guy didn't sign in blood and I don't own him. He hates me! He'll shut us down!  
  
Seph: *looks around* Who is that? Mother? Is that you?  
  
Acire: Oh my god…*puts head in hands*...no wonder I'm so screwed up.  
  
A/D: I'm the director and author, Sephiroth.  
  
Hojo: *gets on knees* You are the director of our lives, Jenova, my love.  
  
A/D: *shudders* He said 'my love.' Ewww!  
  
Lucrecia: *sniff* It wasn't that bad…..Hojo does this thing with his tounge…..  
  
Vincent: *shakes head* More nightmares shall come to me now.  
  
Seph: Mother, what is going on? This cheap whore thinks that she is you. She is trying to replace you. May I put her out of her misery? *pats Masamune*  
  
A/D: Um….no.  
  
Acire: Can we just bring out the next set of fools, now?  
  
Hojo: Do you require more specimens, my dear?  
  
A/D: Um…I'll take care of it. Just get off stage. You scare me.  
  
Hojo: Yes, mistress.  
  
Acire: Mistress!?  
  
A/D: Vincent, you and Lucrecia are free to go. And I think that we'll go to commercial.  
  
Acire: Can I go?  
  
A/D: No…..you serve me.  
  
Acire: &!#@  
  
A/D: Stop the cursing, and cut to commercial.  
  
Acire: Be right back. Stay and watch the subliminal messages also known as commercials. We get money if you watch, so don't stiff me out of my gil.  
  
A/D: No gil here. Paper money.  
  
Acire: *pouts* The real world sucks. 


	2. Part 2: Love Polygon

( In a grassy field, a 40/50 year old man in cowboy outfit comes riding on a horse towards camera, smoking a cigarette.)  
  
Man: *in gravely voice* Hello. I'm Flint Westwood. You may have seen me in such movies as "Unforgotten," "The Noble, the Immoral, and the Unattractive," and "Viaducts of Jefferson County." I'm here today to talk to you about a very important issue that is near and dear to my…uh…heart. Haven't you ever been getting ready to mount your horse and he wouldn't…stand? Well, it has happened to me…on several occasions. It is so embarrassing especially when your cowgirl is ready for a full night of hard ridin' and all you can give her is a good chew. I hate going to see the doc but when something like this happens you have to go. And dammit am I glad that I did. He gave me this new-fangled drug called Niagra. Not only could my horse stand but he was the running at full gallop before the night was over. My cowgirl couldn't even keep up and I was so saddle sore the next mornin' that…..well….you get the picture. My horse is a prancing' stallion now instead of the old docile mare it was before Niagra. So if you cowpokes out there are having trouble with your horses, then go and see your doctor and ask for Niagra. Your stud'll thank you for it. *rides off into sunset*   
  
  
(Back to studio. Sephiroth is sitting in his same chair filing his nails. Acire is burning "something" on a stone altar in the background.)  
  
Acire: *chanting* Estuanus interius ira vehementi   
Estuanus interius ira vehementi   
Sephiroth   
Sephiroth  
Sors imanius et inanis  
Sors imanius et inanis  
Sephiroth   
Sephiroth  
Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias.  
Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias.  
Gloriosa, generosa.  
Gloriosa, generosa.  
Sephiroth   
Sephiroth  
  
Sephiroth: Are you done?  
  
Acire: *bows* Yes, Master. Your sacrifice is complete.  
  
Seph: Then I shall have a piece that is medium-rare. And hold the A-1 if you would, Slave?  
  
Acire: *produces a plate and utensils out of thin air and slaps a piece of meat on it & brings it to Seph* Here is your sacrifice, my lord.  
  
Seph: *puts down file & rubs hands together* Ahh….I do love a good steak now and again. *picks up fork*  
  
Author/Director: *still in announcer's booth off stage* WAIT!! Don't eat yet!  
  
Seph: *drops food & gets on hands and knees* Yes, mother! I shall never touch that filthy meat again! I shall be a vegetarian for the rest of my life! I swear!  
  
A/D: *sighs* That's not it…..we're coming back from commercial. *mutters* Sometimes I hate my job…  
  
Acire: Fine. *sits* Maybe you can eat later, Master.  
  
Seph: *sits* Perhaps.  
  
A/D: We're back in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.…..action!  
  
Announcer: Aiiiiight, Biyotches! We're holdin' it down in this piece, with my *bleep*, Acire. So put your motha'*bleep*in' hands together for The Reunion Show: Round Two!   
  
Acire: Alright, we're back with Sephiroth, gloriosa/generosa lord of the Planet, for our next segment entitled: The Love Polygon.  
  
Seph: "The Love"…..What?! *gets up* I am not staying here for this! I'm not getting paid enough.  
  
Acire: Um, sir, you are part of this polygon.  
  
Seph: What do you mean?  
  
Acire: Well……someone has come here today to reveal that they have a secret crush on you.  
  
Seph: Well who is it? Not that Ancient girl, I hope.  
  
Acire: No, thank god. Just sit down and we'll get on with it.  
  
Seph: Fine, but she better be a big breasted, blonde supermodel. *sits*  
  
Acire: *mutters* You have the blonde part right. *normal voice* Sephiroth, do you have any idea who it might be?  
  
Seph: ……Hmmm…*thinks* I never knew Scarlet or that Elena girl that well but it could be either one of them. But I do believe that there was this one night stand…a scientist...Mindy, I believe her name was. *laughs* She had ass for days.  
  
Acire: Ok. Just to give you a little hint we are going to have them tell us a little about themself.   
  
Distorted Voice: Hello, Sephiroth. Do you remember me?  
  
Seph: No. But keep talking.  
  
DV: Ok. I had always had a thing for you ever since I was a little kid. To me you were always perfect: beautiful green eyes, a strong, muscular body, and that long silver hair. We are also a lot alike. I hardly knew my father and lost my mother some years back so I can relate to your past. I used to work with you at Shin-Ra. There we were war buddies. After you disappeared during the Nibleheim Incident I tried to contact you. And during your quest to become a god, I was always rooting for you. Sephiroth, I love you.  
  
Acire: Any clue now?  
  
Seph: No. That could be anyone. Just bring her out, minion.  
  
Acire: *sighs* Your not gonna like this…..bring out Sephiroth's crush. *runs & hides under altar*  
  
(You guessed it! Cloud enters with a bouquet of roses.)  
  
Cloud: Sephiroth, my darling!   
  
Seph: *screams* YOU!! THE FAILURE!!   
  
Cloud: *glomps Seph before he can run* Oh, my wonderful, Sephy-kins! How I had missed you so!  
  
Seph: You bastard! Let go! You killed me!   
  
Cloud: *nuzzling against Seph* That's in the past, and besides, that was all just for show. Those AVALANCHE guys made me do it. You know how susceptible to suggestion I am.  
  
Seph: Well then, who told you that you were gay?  
  
Cloud: No one. I knew that I had to have you as soon as I laid eyes on you.  
  
Seph: Curse my infernal, yet enchanting beauty. *Rufus hair flick*  
  
Acire: So you are bisexual?  
  
Cloud: Yep. Except for when I'm drunk. Then I'm just completely gay.  
  
Acire & Seph: *sweatdrop*  
  
Acire: Does Tifa know?  
  
Cloud: No. That is what I have come to admit to her today as well as a few other sexual skeletons in the cupboard.  
  
Acire: Let's get on with it. Welcome Tifa Lockheart to the show!  
  
(Tifa walks in & sits next to Cloud.)  
  
Tifa: Oh , Cloud you shouldn't have. Flowers for me?  
  
Cloud: Uh…..  
  
Seph: No! They are for me! *snatches flowers from Cloud* They offset my eyes. *sniffs them*  
  
Tifa: What's this piece of *bleep* doing here?  
  
Seph: I am here because Cloud is in love with me.   
  
Tifa: Cloud!!?  
  
Cloud: *laughs nervously* Sephy-sama, you could have let me break it to her.  
  
Tifa: Cloud, tell me its not true!  
  
Seph: Its true. Your man loves men!  
  
Tifa: *shakes fists & Barret wail* NOOOOOOOO!!  
  
Seph: Ha ha ha! Those big *bleep*s may be able to get the men, but they can't keep them around!  
  
Tifa: *turns to Cloud* Well, you want the best of both worlds? Fine. I've got a secret for you! They're not real!! *flashes camera* *censored sign covers her*   
  
Cloud: Oh my god! I put my mouth on those!! *gagging*  
  
Seph: Put those away. You are going to put someone's eyes out!  
  
Acire: Good god! Do they put the silicone in weather balloons?  
  
A/D: Quit it! Put those things away!   
  
Tifa: *covers back up* Cloud, that's the last time you'll ever see those.  
  
Cloud: I'll miss them but I'll move on. *hugs Seph*  
  
Seph: *pushes Cloud off* Get off, you little--  
  
Acire: Master, remember. No gay bashing.  
  
Seph: Well, then can I kill him?   
  
Acire: I guess. Just so long as it is not because he is gay.  
  
Cloud: I'm NOT GAY!!  
  
Seph: *draws Masamune* Oh, I have plenty of reasons. *evil smile*  
  
A/D: I said, no killing! Do you want me to come out there?  
  
Acire: *shakes head* No! I'll handle it! You just stay there. Master, please do not kill Cloud. I don't want to get in trouble today.  
  
Seph: Fine. *resheathes sword* And next time don't be so weak.  
  
Acire: Yes, Master. *comes back & sits*  
  
Cloud: Sephiroth, dear, are you angry at me?  
  
Seph: Angry doesn't even begin to cover it…..  
  
Acire: Moving on, let's bring in our next guest, Boco.  
  
Cloud: *put head in hands* Oh no.  
  
(A yellow chocobo walks on stage and stands behind Cloud.)  
  
Boco: Wark! [Hello, Acire!]  
  
Acire: Hi, Boco. What secret have you come to reveal today?  
  
Boco: Waaarrk…. [Well you see….]  
  
Seph: Wait a damned minute! Are you saying that this beast can talk?  
  
Boco: Warkk!? [Beast!?] *pecks Seph*   
  
Seph: If I could kill, you'd be dead, Baka!  
  
Boco: Waarrkk. [Whatever, asshole.] Warrk….waarkkk! [Like I was saying, I just am here to say that I have been violated, by none other than this horny bastard, Cloud Rayne Strife!]  
  
Tifa: What?! You *bleep*ed a chocobo!?  
  
Cloud: *scratches head* Ummm….yeah.  
  
Seph: This guy are sick.  
  
Tifa: You are sick! I HATE YOU!!  
  
Acire: All I want to know is how?  
  
Seph: *covers ears* Please spare my beautiful, virgin ears.  
  
Cloud: I just couldn't help it. *looks away ashamed* It took me a long time to get from Nibleheim to Midgar and I got lonely.  
  
Tifa: What about Zack, hmm…? He probably didn't do anything like that.  
  
Acire: Let's ask him. Zack, come on out!  
  
(Zack enters and sits beside Cloud.)  
  
Zack: On second thought. *pulls chair several feet from Cloud*  
  
Cloud: *pouts* Why'd you do that?  
  
Zack: You know why, you horny bitch!   
  
A/D: The censor guy missed one!   
  
(Confetti falls from ceiling & fanfare plays)  
  
Acire: He must be out to lunch.  
  
Cloud: I thought you liked it.  
  
Tifa: You slept with Zack?!  
  
Cloud: Well, I got lonely at Shin-Ra.  
  
Tifa: And to think that I was going to save myself for you.  
  
Acire: Let them talk. I can see your used sticker from here.  
  
Zack: Don't get upset, Tifa. Cloud will sleep with anything that comes his way albeit, male, female, or anything else.  
  
Boco: Waaaarrk! [Damn straight!]  
  
Cloud: Well……*points at Seph* He made me do it!  
  
Seph: Ha ha ha! I couldn't do that to your libido if I had wanted to. Poor Clod. He can't even control his dick!  
  
Cloud: Shut up, Sephiroth!  
  
A/D: That's two he missed. He must be slacking.  
  
(Confetti falls from ceiling & fanfare plays again)  
  
Acire: I'm sorry but there's one more sexual secret Cloud has to tell and this one involves--  
  
Zack: No! Not my sweet little Aeris! Cloud, if you have hurt her in any way so help me, I'll….  
  
Cloud: *cowers* She told me she liked it!!  
  
Zack: Huh?  
  
Acire: Welcome that prissy little Ancient bitch……..missed that one too…..Aeris Gainsborough. You'd better not clap.  
  
Tifa: I second that. *cracks knuckles*  
  
(Aeris enters and sits between Zack and Cloud.)  
  
Aeris: Hi, everybody. *takes Zack's hand* Zack, honey?  
  
Zack: You slept with Cloud, didn't you?  
  
Aeris: Yes, but that is over now.   
  
Zack: Thank god.  
  
Aeris: But there is this one thing that I would like to try when we get back home….*leans in to whisper*  
  
Zack: What?!  
  
Cloud: *sits back up* She's into S&M.  
  
Zack: Not only did you take my life and girlfriend but you corrupted her!! *draws Buster Sword*  
  
Cloud: *dives into Seph's lap* Protect me!  
  
Seph: Get off!! *shoves Cloud in the floor*  
  
Cloud: *lands in front of steak dropped from earlier* Oooooo, food! *begins stuffing face full of food*  
  
Zack: *raises sword* Die, sicko!  
  
Aeris: Noooo! *Aeris jumps in front of Zack*  
  
(Zack stabs Aeris.)  
  
Announcer: You killed Aeris!!  
  
Boco: Wwaarrkk! [You bastard!] (By the way, I know that that joke is overused. But I had to. ^_^)  
  
Tifa: *dances* *singing* Ding dong! The bitch is dead!   
  
Zack: Oh no! My baby! *kneels clutching her corpse* She was so innocent.  
  
Cloud: *snickers* *with mouth full* Imopfent, mur arse! [Innocent, my ass!]  
  
Boco: Wwark! [Dumbass!] *pecks Cloud*  
  
Zack: Cloud, I hope you get ass-raped by a cactuar! *leaves & carries Aeris's dead body offstage*  
  
Acire: Damn, that's cold.  
  
Cloud: Damn….that's…..interesting. *puts pinky to lips* I'd pay one million gil!  
  
Tifa: On that note….*edging away from Cloud* I'm out of here, before he tries to ass-rape me. *leaves*  
  
Seph: *shakes head and sighs* Is this over yet?  
  
Acire: No. One more secret. Cloud, you have a secret admirer.  
  
Seph: I hope it's a bisexual, chocobo humping, S&M loving, cross-dressing freak.  
  
Cloud: *sighs* A man can only hope.   
  
All: *sweatdrop*   
  
Cloud: *sings* I'm a sweet transvestite…  
  
All: *multiple sweatdrop*  
  
Acire: Do we have the admirer's audio?  
  
A/D: Um… I don't think that we can play it.  
  
Acire: Why not?   
  
A/D: Don't ask. She said exactly what kind of naughty things she'd do with materia. I'm NOT airing that!  
  
Acire: I'm just going to bring her out. Come out, secret admirer!  
  
(Yuffie comes out holding an odd-shaped materia & sits next to Cloud.)  
  
Yuffie: *glomps Cloud* Hey, sexy.  
  
Seph: *gags* You are going to make me sick!  
  
Cloud: Hi, Yuffie. I thought you weren't interested in me.   
  
Yuffie: I stole from you, didn't I? I joined up with your party, didn't I? I trusted you and I followed you to the pits of hell, didn't I?  
  
Seph: I resent that remark. The northern cave was a fixer-upper when I bought it.  
  
Cloud: You trusted me? Wow……that's cool. Wanna go have sex?  
  
Yuffie: Sure. At least it is better than that fat-assed Don Corneo.  
  
All: *sweatdrop*  
  
Cloud: It is a shame that he wasn't alive for a threesome…..  
  
All, but Cloud: *megasweatdrop*   
  
Acire: May I ask what kind of materia is that?  
  
Yuffie: It's the horny materia…..*kisses Cloud* Gets them every time.  
  
Acire: *glares* Get the hell out.  
  
Cloud: Boco, wanna join us?  
  
Boco: Wwarrkkkk! [Bite me, you prick!]  
  
Cloud: I will if you want.  
  
Boco: Wark…. [I hate you….]  
  
Cloud: Oh, well your loss.   
  
All, but Seph & Acire: *leave*  
  
Acire: Master will eat and I will go and try to not think of Cloud and that chocobo. You puppets must watch more commercials and we'll be back with our third and final segment. Thank Jenova.  
  
  
  
  
Author's note: If I offended you, I am sorry. This is meant as a joke and if you cannot take it as such then I am truly sorry. After all, I cannot control these characters. And I assure you, they do not express how I feel towards real people. I am open-minded and some people aren't and I portray them here. So don't flame me unless this story sucks. 


	3. Episode 3: Shinra Strikes back!

(In a beautiful green park, a man with glasses on sits underneath a tree sipping on his "Mudheiser" beer, beside his cooler filled with cans, when a man with an afro walks up.)  
  
Man w/ Afro: Whaaazzup?!  
  
Man w/ Glasses: Whaaaazzup!?  
  
Mw/A: *takes beer out of cooler and begins to drink*  
  
(A man with braids "corn rows" walks up.)  
  
Man w/ Braids: Whaazzup!?  
  
Mw/G: Whaaaazzup!?  
  
Mw/A: Whaaazzup!?  
  
Mw/B: Whaazzup!? *gets a beer and drinks*  
  
(A man with a football shows up and greets his friends.)  
  
Man w/football: Whazzup!?  
  
Mw/G: Whaaaazzup!?  
  
Mw/A:Whaaazzup!?  
  
Mw/B:Whaazzup!?  
  
Mw/F: Whazzup!? *takes beer out of cooler and begns to drink*  
  
(A beautiful woman walks by with big boobs covered in a tight white tank top. She has on red fingerless gloves and short black mini skirt and long brown hair pulled back from her face by a clip resting at the end of her hair.)  
  
Mw/G: Whaaaazzup!?  
  
Mw/A: Whaaazzup!?  
  
Mw/B: Whaazzup!?  
  
Mw/F: Whazzup!?  
  
Woman: *sticks up an offending finger* Assholes. *walks away*  
  
(A young blonde man with a preppy air about him walks up to our group.)  
  
Preppy Man: What is up? *holds up hand for a high-five*  
  
All: *glare*  
  
P-Man: What is up, my boys? *tries to reach into cooler*  
  
Mw/G: *slams cooler's lid down on P-Man's fingers* Whaaaazzup?  
  
P-Man: *snatches back swolen fingers* ….heh…..heh… *leaves*  
  
Mw/F: Whazzup?  
  
Mw/B: *looks skyward* Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzup!!!!!!!!!  
  
(A cloaked figure with a large gleaming sword drops out of nowhere and stabs Man with Football through.)  
  
Cloaked Man: Shut up! If you say that one more time…..  
  
Mw/G: Whaaaazz--  
  
Cloaked Man: *chops off Man with Glasses's head and proceeds to kill the rest of our men* I SAID, SHUT UP!!!!  
  
(A small group of chocobos walks up to the cloaked man.)  
  
Chocobo 1: Mud…..mud……mud….  
  
Chocobo 2: beise…..beise…  
  
Chocobo 3: er…..er…..  
  
Chocobo 1: Mud..  
  
Chocobo 2: beise…  
  
Chocobo 3: er.  
  
Cloaked Man: *glares* Don't you even start!!  
  
(Fade to black.)   
Announcer: Alright %$&#heads, sit down and shut the f*@% up! The show is starting and the annoying motha' on the front row better sit his pointy little ass down before I beat the s#%& outta him. Thank you. Now welcome back to this friggin' fic the Reunion Show: Round Three: The Knockout.  
  
(Lights come up. Acire is seen sitting in a huge armchair, petting a small gray kitten, with a fiendish look on her face.)  
  
Acire: Clap for the new announcer, Traylalanay "Punkin" Jones, the one relation between Cid Highwind and Barret Wallace. (Btw his nickname is pumpkin pronounced "Punkin")   
  
(Audience claps.)  
  
Author/Director: *still from off stage* I wanted to get Cid or Barret to be the announcer but I cannot own them so I found something better, their long lost cousin.  
  
Punkin: Damn straight.  
  
Acire: Exactly how are Barret and Cid related?  
  
A/D & Punkin: You don't wanna know!  
  
Acire: Ok…. Well, let's get down to business. Welcome my Master for a third and final time, Sephiroth, God and Lord of the Planet.   
  
(Sephiroth enters looking nervous.)  
  
Sephiroth: *sits next to Acire* What is it now? Not Cloud I hope.  
  
Acire: No, Master. Please feel at ease…..or as at ease as you can with Cloud still in the studio doing who knows what to Yuffie…  
  
Seph: *hyperventilates & begins to pass out*  
  
Acire: Here *hands Seph the kitty* take Angel. She always seems to make you feel better.  
  
Seph: *pats Angel the kitten* That is soothing. Thank you, young underling.   
  
Acire: I knew that a kitten was a good present for an evil overlord. But anywho, Sephiroth, your parents were backstage arguing about your true father. So guess what time it is?  
  
Audience: Time for…..the Wheel of Paternity!!!!!   
  
(Hojo, Vincent, Lucretia, and Jenova enter bringing in a large wheel of fortune type wheel, mounted vertically on a roll out wall. The panels say: "Hojo/Lucretia," "Hojo/Jenova," "Vincent/Lucretia," "Vincent/Jenova," "Jenova," "Lucretia," and "Hojo.")  
  
Hojo: Here Son, give her a spin!  
  
Seph: NO!! NOT A CHANCE IN HELL!! *tries to run off stage but is stopped by two very big "men" dressed in all black* *they throw Seph back on stage*  
  
Acire: Sorry, Master. I guess I didn't warn you about the security guards the Author/Director installed. Meet the twins, Randy and Brandy.  
  
All: Brandy?!!  
  
Acire: Yeah, she's really buff.   
  
All: *sweatdrop*   
  
Acire: I know….misplaced testosterone but just spin the wheel, Sephiroth.  
  
Seph: *slowly approaches the wheel* Hey! *stops* Why aren't some people paired up?   
  
Vincent: Well, you could have been cloned completely. Lucretia, also could have gone through a complete virgin birth.  
  
Acire: *snickers* *giggles* *guffaws* *and finally bursts out laughing* Virgin, yeah right!!  
  
Vincent: *sighs* Would you stop talking about my lovely Lucretia?  
  
Acire: Need I remind you that one of those panels says "Hojo/Lucretia?"  
  
Vincent: Um…no. I'm rooting for the virgin birth theory.  
  
Jenova: *waves tentacles* Spin the wheel, puppet!   
  
(Acire, Seph, Lucretia, and Vincent all hear the high pitched whine and fall to the ground clutching their heads in pain.)  
  
A/D: Would you NOT hypnotize or mesmerize my guests into submission?! That's my job!  
  
Jenova: Fine…*stops*  
  
(All return back to normal….or as normal as they can be…..)  
  
Acire: Spin the damn wheel!  
  
Seph: *like a two-year old* Alright, just let me do it! *spins wheel*  
  
(Wheel spins for a few second and lands directly between "Hojo/Jenova" and "Vincent/Lucretia.")  
  
All: *sweatdrop*  
  
Seph: What in the hell?! *spins the wheel again*  
  
(Same thing happens. It lands between "Hojo/Jenova" and "Vincent/Lucretia.")  
  
Acire: WTF!?  
  
All: *look to Lucretia*  
  
Lucretia: What did I do?!  
  
Jenova: You are a super slut aren't you?  
  
Lucretia: *tears up* I didn't do anything…*cries to Vincent*  
  
Vincent: *pulls away* Just don't touch me…. You have touched enough THINGS in your lifetime…  
  
Lucretia: *cries to Hojo*   
  
Hojo: *pulls away* Um….no.  
  
Lucretia: *cries to Seph*   
  
Seph: Don't touch me, WOMAN!! *pulls away* I don't know where you have been!  
  
Lucretia: *cries to Acire*  
  
Acire: *pulls away* I know where you have been and that's the problem!  
  
Lucretia: *turns to Jenova*   
  
Jenova: *waves tentacles*   
  
Lucretia: I'm not that desperate…*sobs*  
  
Jenova: Bitch…   
  
Acire: Well, at least that settled one thing: Lucretia IS a whore…  
  
Lucretia: That is so cruel.  
  
Acire: *bows* Thank you.  
  
Seph: *whines like a 2-yr old* But I still don't know who my mommy and daddy are!! *sucks thumb*  
  
Acire: *whispers to Vincent* I think that he blew a fuse…  
  
Vincent: *whispers* After Nibleheim, I thought that there was nothing left to blow.  
  
Acire: *snickers*  
  
Jenova: *whispers* I thought that he was screwed up before I got to him…  
  
Hojo: *whispers* Don't blame all of that on me!  
  
Lucretia: *whispers* Why in the hell are we whispering?  
  
Acire: *glares* I guess that it is time for our next and last segment: The Shin-Ra Water Cooler. Brandy, Randy, please escort Lucretia, Vincent, Jenova and my master out of here. I'm sorry to say it but: Hojo you can stay. *shudders*  
  
Hojo: Yes! I am popular at last!  
  
Acire: No, you just work at Shin-Ra and the A/D made me do it.  
  
Hojo: That is good enough for me.  
  
(Randy & Brandy come out and grab Lucretia and Vincent. Seph runs and hides behind Acire's recliner.)  
  
Seph: NO!! I wanna stay out here and play with the kitty! *pets Angel*  
  
Acire: *sigh* Fine, Master. You may stay…..  
  
Jenova: *slithers away* Thank God, that this is over.  
  
Lucretia: Why must I go?! I was in Shin-Ra and so was Vincent!  
  
Vincent: This nightmare must end at one time or another…and now is as good a time as any. Goodbye.  
  
(Vincent, Lucretia, and Jenova are carted off stage.)  
  
Acire: Now that the trash has been sent to the recycle bin….welcome Rufus Shin-Ra, Scarlet Rouge, Heidegger Hardihar, Reeve Smith, Palmer Dumass, and the Turks: Tseng, Reno, Rude, and Elena. And I'll apologize for the A/D's lack of creativity on the last names.  
  
A/D: Hey!! I thought that Heidegger's was funny….   
  
(The Shin-Ra gang come out on stage. Sitting order is Rufus, Scarlet, Heidegger, Reeve, Hojo, and Palmer. The Turks: Tseng, Rude, Reno, and Elena are standing behind their superiors as Reno leans drunkenly on Rude.)  
Rufus: *looks at audience and does the hair flick*   
  
Audience: *swoons*  
  
Rufus: I love fan girls….  
  
Scarlet: I am your fan girl…*cuddles up to him*  
  
Rufus: Get off me, whore….   
  
Heidegger: Gyh ha ha ha ha!   
  
Rufus: Stop that dammed horse laugh, you fat bastard! *shakes head* Why did my father hire such idiots?  
  
Palmer: *looking around* I thought that someone said that there would be food out here…..Where is the food?  
  
Rufus: *points at Palmer* See what I mean?  
  
Acire: There must have been some kind of workers shortage that year….  
  
Rufus: It seems more like an intelligence shortage to me.  
  
Hojo: Obviously you cannot be referring to the greatest scientific mind of this century…..  
  
Rufus: Yes….the greatest scientific mind that mistook an evil alien for an Ancient, killed off most of his experiments, and threw away his most viable project, that oversexed fool, Cloud.  
  
Hojo: Well……I….uh….  
  
Rufus: Just don't say anything, you moron.  
  
Hojo: *mutters* Well at least I am a brilliant moron…   
  
Acire: I have a feeling that you people could go on forever with the insults so I guess I'd better stop you and start the segment. Ok…since we were on secret crushes in the earlier segment….we have a few to reveal here.  
  
Rufus: *hair flick & fan girls swoon* I already know that Scarlet wants me. Let's now move on.  
  
Acire: Well you ruined that but she's not the only one.  
  
Rufus: Elena too? *hair flick & swoon* I am hot.  
  
Acire: One more…..  
  
Rufus: @_@ One more?! But all of the rest are……*looks at his employees*…..men……  
  
Acire: Yep.  
  
Rufus: *sweatdrop* Let us just move on please.  
  
Acire: Ok. I'll just tell you.  
  
Rufus: NO! *covers his ears*  
  
Acire: I'll spell it…..T……  
  
Rufus: *singsong* La-la-la-la-la! I can't hear you!  
  
Acire: …..S….E…..N….G! Tseng!!  
  
Tseng: *turns beet red*  
  
Rude: *takes a few steps to the side*  
  
Elena: *sniff* No wonder he never showed up for our date…..  
  
Tseng: Elena…..I was dead. And it wasn't a date. I was going to ask you if you thought Rufus and I would make a cute couple and if you wanted to go shopping with me. I took Rude one time but he has no fashion sense. I mean who balds their head nowadays. Long hair is in! Uh…nevermind. *blushes again*  
  
Rufus: *uncovers ears* Is the gayness over?  
  
Acire: I think so….  
  
Reno: *sings drunkenly* 100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer. When I came in the bar I drank them all….now there are no bottles of beer on the wall! *falls down*  
  
Scarlet: That was surprisingly painless…..  
  
Hojo: ……and accurate.  
  
Reeve: *raises his hand, timidly* Can I reveal my crush now?  
  
Rufus: Is it directed towards me?  
  
Reeve: No, sir.  
  
Rufus: Is it homosexual in anyway?  
  
Reeve: No…contrary to popular belief.  
  
Rufus: Then continue. *hair flick*  
  
Tseng: *swoons*  
  
Rufus: *shudders*  
  
Scarlet: It is not me, is it? I told you that I was just doing you a favor…..for gil….only once….  
  
Hojo: Oh, yes! Haven't you ever heard never fall in love with a whore! Muwah ha ha ha!!  
  
Heidegger: She already has the red dress and I gave her the red light for her office on her birthday. Gyha ha ha ha!  
  
Reeve: But….I like Elena…..  
  
Rufus: The ditz?  
  
Elena: I graduated first in my class thank you very much!  
  
Reeve: I just knew that you were smart like me! *blushing* So…..do you wanna…..maybe…..  
  
Scarlet: Spank me like the naughty little boy I am!!! Kya ha ha ha ha!  
  
Reeve: *blushes profusely* You promised never to tell!! *runs off stage crying*  
  
Rufus: Pansy….  
  
Tseng: You rang, gorgeous?  
  
Rufus: *face vault*  
  
Acire: *shakes head and sighs* Anything else?  
  
Rufus: God, I hope not… *gets back up slowly*  
  
(A small gray kitten AKA Angel comes running across the stage being chased by Sephiroth.)  
  
Sephy: *child-like voice* Come back, kitty!  
  
(Kitten runs and hides under Scarlet's chair.)  
  
Scarlet: *screams* Get that little thing away from me?!! *jumps on top of chair*  
  
Hojo: What, Scarlet? You afraid that the little helpless feline will have a sudden craving for fish?  
  
Kitten: Mew?!  
  
Sephy: *gets on hands and knees and reaches for the kitten but gets distracted by the view from above*  
  
Scarlet: *snatches skirt down and closes her legs* Stop that!   
  
Rufus: You aren't giving out freebies? *snickers*  
  
Sephy: You know your hair is the same color as Angel's….  
  
All: *sweatdrop*  
  
Heidegger: Gray pubes…..Gyha ha ha ha!   
  
(A shot rings out and Heidegger falls out dead.)  
  
Rufus: *blows smoke off of gun* I told you to stop that damned horse laugh….  
  
All: *multiple sweatdrop*  
  
Acire: Nice shot. Point blank though the temples. Wanna go out for a drink?  
  
Rufus: My pleasure. *offers hand*  
  
Acire: *takes it* But you're buying.  
  
Rufus: *laughs* Not your favors, I hope?  
  
Acire: I don't look like Scarlet do I?  
  
Both: *laugh and walk off stage*  
  
A/D: Hey! You can't do that! Who's gonna end the show?!  
  
(Suddenly crashing and scuffling is heard backstage and Cloud come running out…..absolutely naked with the rod-shaped horny materia.)  
  
Tseng: Now there's and end for you….a tight end…..*smiles and winks*  
  
Cloud: *censored sign covers…um…parts* Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk…..materia….*strokes it* My precioussssss…..  
  
A/D: Oh god….*sighs*   
  
Sephy: *looks at Cloud and snaps out of it* YOU!!! *takes out Masamune and begins to chase Cloud offstage again* Come back here, puppet!!  
  
A/D: Now that this thing is FINALLY over get the hell off my stage!!   
  
All: *look dejected and file off quietly*  
  
A/D: Now…that that is done…merry talk shows to all-  
  
Sephy: *heard offstage* Oh no Cloud! I didn't mean it! Watch it with that materia you fool! That is an exit not an entrance!!  
  
A/D: -and to all a GOOD NIGHT!   
  
(Static) 


End file.
